I was starting to feel that my blog was leaning towards pessimism of late. Did you get that vibe, lovely readers? Twitter splits, breakup grief, rookie mistakes and fashion faux pas ….It was starting to sound a lot like a Cure album in their more sombre early 80s era. So this week I was on the hunt for something a little more upbeat – bit more like the ‘Friday I’m in Love’ flavour of blog-topic.
The universe presented me with this via a very entertaining chat with one of my friends about an event, had you not become single in your 40s, you would have left in the archives of ’awkward stuff you do in your 20s’ She described, in colourful language, the joys of a late-in-life meeting of the new BF’s parents.
So it’s an upbeat story, in the sense that it demonstrates the clear possibility that you can enter a relationship so meaningful that you are willing to schmooze up to a set of new potential in-laws. Again.
Alas, I can’t recount the tale verbatim as it would clearly identify my confidante, so instead I pondered how best to present your credentials to some new elders, when you cross that line into coupledom in your mid 40s. Here goes:
Fair degree of domestic ability.
No student-housing squalor, no frat-house behaviour – at this stage in your life you are likely to understand that a vacuum cleaner bag does need to be emptied at some kind of interval, that a bathroom requires more than just a twice yearly North-Korean style nuking with Exit Mould and that vegetables left unattended in the fridge will indeed turn into a festy and unidentifiable liquid.
In my case, you even have the ability to turn this
in the time it takes to polish off a glass of sauv blanc and listen to a Rod Stewart song.
In addition, I have an ability to turn out a meal. Even more importantly, I have been taught by maestro Jamie Oliver that ANYTHING you wish to churn out is made remarkable by the simple act of serving it on a wooden board.
Life skills people.
No notable meltdowns
With a degree of common sense and a truckload of luck, you are likely to have avoided demonstrating any one of the following destructive behaviours.
An impulsive hairstyle choice and wilful vandalism.
Naff hairband and a shoplifting conviction
A brush with too many sequins and some OTT competitive spirit.
Or in my case your transgressions fail to attract any kind of public interest and remain off the record.
A rapport with the kiddies
Nothing will cause you to be the subject of a parent’s death stare and accompanying interrogation like the risk that you are not only whisking away their child, but are likely to subvert their grandchildren as well.
If, as in my case, you’ve had a life-long disinclination to spawn any miniature humans of your own, I suspect you will be in for double the drilling, as you lack any credentials whatsoever. It would probably be preferable that you had an underachieving, substance-dabbling, likely to be perpetually-unemployable-as-an-adult, teen rather than be what was recently phrased in reference to our own prime minister as ‘deliberately barren’…
If needed I would offer up my ability to entertain children all ages, starting with my considerable experience in amusement parks. I bond with children of all ages – especially over topics such as the perils of trying to keep fairy floss out of one’s abundant hair.
I’m fabulous in any theme park environment…just present me with the kiddie that is content with this and we’ll rotate around in crockery until the cows come home.
Just not this
…since most of us understand the risk of impromptu and disturbing occurrences of projectile gastrointestinal upset. On my part.
No ongoing addictions
Sure we’ve all had our brushes with the phrase ‘too many vinos’, sure we’ve all had an occasional table-dancing incident, but at our age we are likely to have unrivaled reflexes in deleting a facebook tagging of photographic evidence and a subsequent de-friending.
If FB doesn’t know…it didn’t happen.
When it comes to obsessive behaviour, my obsession with running is far outweighed by my fixation with carbs, so you won’t see me rock up to family Christmas looking like this either.
So if you do reach relationship nirvana and have to brave the ‘parents meet-n-greet’, take stock of your credentials and go in confidently with the air of someone accomplished and balanced. Better still, toss down two glasses of red wine, email them your Linked-in profile in advance and do a self-google-stalk to check if you are in the clear.
If you are taking your online dating a little more seriously than this blog, check out this website for fabulously simple online dating advice.