There was a brief moment when I turned away from writing fluffy blogs, spawned as they are by a glass of sauv blanc and characterised by overuse of celebrity references and hard-won dating stories.
Instead readers, as incongruous as it sounds, I attempted to focus equivalent energy on trying to be a grown-up and furthering my career in my day job (which is about as far removed from dating blogging as Jennifer Aniston is from a grandchild)
In that phase, about as long-lived as a double episode of The Biggest Loser, I subscribed to all manner of Female CEO/Business Chicks/Glass-Ceiling Busters/Lean-In Coaching sites in effort to educate myself on what was required (without having to invest time and energy in actually attending something in person)
What I understood from this, is that just as every gal in the 90s required a brick-like mobile phone, an embossed business card and a Holden Commodore company car,
the 2014 everywoman needs only this…..
A Social Media Strategy
Unfortunately, I lost interest in this with similar speed to John Mayer dumping his latest chick-on-the-rebound.
Intead, I spent quality couch-time trying to define the following variant
A Social Media Strategy For The Newly Heartbroken
I had a vague notion that this should resemble a 12 step program, until I realised that the current era has NO TIME for a 12 step program and I should try to nail the description of this baby in no more than 6.
One – Unfriend
Upon being ditched (lets assume this is how it went down rather than one of those ‘amicable breakups’ that really means that you got ditched and are being sooooo brave) you need to immediately de-friend the ex. You will reap an immediate sense of achievement if you are the first to execute the un-friend transaction.
Secondly, in those moments of Chardonnay-fuelled weakness, this will prevent you scrolling through his FB page analysing every event posted since the moment you broke up.
Hang on – who are we kidding? You aren’t going to ONLY do this self-destructive trawling in alcohol fuelled moments of weakness, you are going to track that guy over morning coffee before tackling work email, on a lunchbreak over sushi and, if time-pressed, you will skip over those news feed articles that alert you to a cancer-busting diet so that you can scan the feed for entries that are any indication of your ex’s state of mind. You may think this will only happen for a month, but there is a never-ending stream of trigger events ahead that will have you clutching at those facebook straws.
Tip: Don’t BLOCK the ex. This will prevent him having any access to your carefully chosen procession of changes to your profile pic which will show you having a riotous time in his absence.
Two – Instagram peeping is taboo
Don’t be getting all righteous about having executed step one while you continue taking sneaky peeks at his instagram account. Unfollowing his instagram account is an even easier step than defriending on facebook, and equally important in severing that digital umbilical cord.
Don’t compromise the healing of your inner self by un-following him on Instagram and subsequently sneaking peeps of him and his new squeeze using the ‘explore’ function.
You may be just as culpable as the guy who first merged Vodka and Red Bull without realising, that on the whole…
NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS
Three – Twitter – unfollow
Again, there is going to be a certain satisfaction in being the first to unfollow.
In fact, my brief entrepreneurial research suggests that if I was vaguely serious about pursing a life beyond my current day job I’d be working day and night on an app that was along the lines of ‘DITCHEM v1.0’ which would allow for instantaneous severing of all FB, Instagram and Twitter ties in a single transaction with an optional pop-up box that allowed for some commentary on dontdatehimgirl.com for a little review narrative just like you do when you’ve had some sub-standard service at a trendy new bar.
Anyhow (let’s count to ten while someone else reserves the domain name ditchem.com) unfollow immediately and try to resist the temptation to check hourly whether he has also unfollowed you.
Same rules apply as above – don’t then be checking his Twitter account manually.
I repeat – no good can come of this.
Four – avoid the social media stalk of the new chick
If you have ignored all of the above, you have no one but yourself to blame when, sooner (John Mayer) or later, your replacement makes her appearance.
At this point, you need to make EVERY POSSIBLE EFFORT to avoid doing the stalk on her.
There’s only the tiniest possibility of redemption in this, in the event that you find that she is less athletic, less blonde, less svelte or less accomplished (assuming you also sink to the depths of a Linked-In stalk) than you. Only in a Nora Ephron movie (and may the goddess of chick-flicks rest in peace) will this happen.
Even if you have a momentary thrill from the realisation of any of the above, it will be short-lived if your heart is still in a state where it will not be salved by any of the above because the fact is that he is not with you.
All this sounds kinda negative right?
Best that we devote our final two strategies in the half-baked version of the 12-step program to positive social media strategies that you can implement….
Five – overachieve, very publicly
If you’ve subscribed to the advice above, you’ve cut some cords. However, in a strategy so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a rat (props to Blackadder), we’ve not disconnected you from your various mutual friends.
So this is the time to use your various social media outlets to
- Post pics at a hot new club opening (even if you are merely a photo-bomb participant with no more than a peep-toe on the red-carpet or fingertip on a velvet rope)
- Publish commentary on the new activities that you have taken up (salsa dancing, bikram yoga, crossfit anyone?) Extra points if they are like the examples here and will result in the honing of a hot new body.
- Overachieve career-wise – talking blithely about your move into managing a team the size of a small suburb (with, of course, the support of a small entourage that you can now regard as your own)
Six – go silent
After doing the overachieve, there’s a distinct advantage in then disappearing entirely off grid. It gives an air of mystery, of having moved on.
If you still living in the fantasy world of him keeping track of you, you can potentially assume this is giving him some pause to wonder what is keeping you so busy that you can’t even FB
If he has no concept of this because he’s stopped caring about you – as is likely if he did the dumping – then you still have the benefit of being off enjoying life without the compulsion to post about it.
Hint: akin to that tree falling in the foreset- a sunset is still beautiful sunset, even if you don’t get a chance to post it on FB.
So, tuck these hints away in case you even find yourself in the been dumped/need strategy scenario. Better yet? If you want to hark back to that simpler time of Commodores and Brick Mobiles, go all old-school and don’t just bookmark this post.
Tap into your 90s Officeworks hardware and LAMINATE this sucker.
If you are taking your online dating a little more seriously than this blog, check out this website for fabulously simple online dating advice.