Bad, bad, bad, bad choices

Regrets? I’ve had a few.

Poor choices…. too many to list here (although no doubt they’ll serve as blog fodder as time goes on)

Having deliberately sidestepped the State of origin rugby match last night on the basis that it’s a game I never want to understand between two Australian states that I don’t care for, I missed something.  And it struck me that there may be a woman waking up today to find that her new online dating beau might be one of those bad choices.  That is, if he was this guy.

origin streaker

If you’ve been in a cave (or outside Australia)  in the last 24 hours, meet Wati Holmwood – a streaker who cavorted onto the field interrupting a pivotal moment in the game.  Not to say that Wati isn’t in a long term relationship with a woman who has grown accustomed to his little larks and who is, as we speak, scrapbooking the print media coverage for the benefit of the grandkiddies.   But if it so happened that he was your partner in crime (an oft-used online dating cliché) and you were in a budding new relationship, you’d be asking yourself some questions right now.

Surprisingly, the obvious questions that would spring to mind for most  “what was he thinking / how can I delete my profile and exit this mad online dating world”   Whereas I found myself asking ‘Why did he wear sneakers?’  Clearly he was not concerned about being able to follow his sport (banned from all future rugby matches), nor his professional reputation (try rocking up to a board meeting / work site with any swagger once everyone has seen you naked) or his financial status ($5,500 fine).  Was he worried about the impact on his niggling plantar fasciitis if he completed the nudie run by trotting barefoot?

Which prompted me to ponder some other momentous bad choices that have been a fine source of entertainment over the years.

Hugh Grant –  Divine Brown

Hugh Grant enters the wikipedia section on personal life with a rom-com-esque tale of meeting Elizabeth Hurley whilst filming a satisfyingly exotic Spanish production.  Cue an  ensuing trail of aesthetically pleasing red carpet appearances.  He accompanied Liz when she wore what is now voted the greatest red carpet dress of all time, and then inexplicably took a tremendous tumble.  From this:

liz-hurley-pin-dre_1007014f

To this

divine and hugh

in something that was regarded judicially as a lewd act and resulted eventually in an ‘amicable and mutual’ decision to split with Liz.  To see where she ended up, click here

Tiger Woods – Various

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger  – a smile that melted a thousand sponsors hearts, the first billion-dollar-earning sportsman, reeking of home-grown, down-south purity and god-fearing athletic awesomeness.

(I’m going to need to impose a limit here, else he could eclipse everyone else in this post)

He gets a unique section on wikipedia called ‘infidelity scandal and fallout’

He embarked on happy family all-American dream.  Let’s list it shall we?

  • Swedish model wife
  • Wedding in Barbados
  • $40m estate in Florida
  • Two beautiful, genetically blessed kiddies (assuming the looks from their mother and the golf prowess from their father and not the reverse)

tiger and elin

Inexplicably, he wandered off into the abyss of some allegedly 120+ mistresses beginning with this

joslyn james

And sampling these…

tiger woods collage

With the result that a perfectly good Cadillac SUV and golden couple marriage were trashed.

His new chick Lindsay Vonn  declares ‘she will never marry him’. Go figure.

Charlie Sheen – Itemise

He began in a fairly stellar fashion – a breakup with fiancée Kelly Preston triggered by the fact he shot her in the arm. (with a gun, not a hypodermic)

Debate ensues about who ended up worse off – he was single, she married John Travolta.

He recuperated with a procession of ‘adult film actresses’ followed by a stint as a frequent flyer with Madam Heidi Fleiss.

Then, two and half men, a million dollars an episode.   Let’s list what a million bucks an episode can buy you:

  • A divorce from Denise Richards, mother of his two children amid allegations of drug abuse and threats of violence
  • A marriage to Brooke Mueller, some twins
  • Dual, live in ‘goddesses’ one a pornographic model and the other a more mainstream model and graphic designer. Some amicable parting at respectable intervals.
  • A little stabilisation with adult film actress Georgia Jones.   Looks fairly joyous…charlie-sheen-georgia-jones

Late breaking news – Charlie in the last four hours became a grandfather resulting from the offspring of the daughter of his amusingly-named high-school sweetheart Paula Profit.

So if you are waking up this morning, from a little regrettable Thursday evening entrée to the weekend, a bit of drunk texting, surveying a facebook blow-by-blow lowdown on how your evening went….bear in mind..

IT COULD BE WORSE

origin streaker

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Don’t mention THE EX

Unless you are dealing with someone that is so young that they haven’t had time to have a significant ex in their life, in which case, read this, your new romantic interest will no doubt have a former flame that has loomed large in their dating history.  Anyone they have married, been engaged to or has borne their child will likely trigger a glimmer of curiosity which, if you give it any attention, has the potential to embed itself in your brain like a rare and untreatable waterborne parasite.    Poke at that sucker by asking questions about the ex, and it will morph into a Guinness-book-of-records-sized slug that will suck the living daylights out of all your internal organs quicker than a Lindsay Lohan period of good behaviour.

parasite

Sure, there are always the exes that will allow you, by contrast, to appear as the pinnacle of beauty, sanity, honesty and just plain good manners.  You might find someone that has had the misfortune to have an ex like one of these celebrities do:

  • Paris Hilton – whose ex distinguished himself by releasing that unfortunate home movie (although the jury is still out as to whether that may represent her finest acting achievement)
  • Sandra Bullock – whose Oscar moment was ruined by fiancé Jesse James running off with a trashy tattoo model.   Hollywood princess vs bad boy rarely ends well and this one was a descendant of the actual outlaw of the same name, not just a cashed up heir with some antisocial traits. Poor Sandy.
  • Tiger Woods. No need to elaborate.

For every ex that may allow you to shine by comparison, there are many more that will cause you nothing but angst if you examine them too closely.

Accept that there are exes you simply can’t be.

One – the mother of his first child.  Regardless of how this relationship ended, there is a bond with this ex that has endured things that if you are childless, you will never know.  Ultrasounds, which personally, I can’t view without wanting to screech out loud ‘SEE!!! We are ALL DESCENDED FROM ALIEN BEINGS’  The incessant vomiting of morning sickness that mirrors a never-ending hangover without the preceding uproarious good time that means you deserve it.  The rigors of childbirth, which despite all progress in every other realm of human life, still resembles a barbaric ritual of the dark ages.  They’ve survived that, been rewarded with a beautiful child, and even if you are keen and biologically able to replicate it, that original bond will still stand alongside yours.

A physical copy of his ex.  You are not going to be a carbon copy of those who have gone before you – unless your love interest has a near-psychopathic addiction to a certain physical type (hello, I’m looking at you Leonardo Di Caprio)

combined

Here’s a tip – NOR SHOULD YOU TRY TO BE.

There are endless reasons to avoid any possibility of ever seeing a photo of his ex.  The prime reason is that the innate laws of the feminine universe dictate that if there are two photos, you will see this one

19th Annual Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards - Arrivals

not this one

Sofia-Vergara-without-makeup

From that point, you can’t unsee it and the next thing you know, in an effort to emulate your ex’s natural tumbling curls, you are in a hairdresser’s chair staring at your new 80s style spiral perm.  About four weeks later you will spend the cost of a smart pair of Italian shoes getting it put back to normal again, with the unfortunate postscript being that you got your passport renewed in between and you now have to explain that hairstyle brain-snap for the next ten years.

A competitor, if she has some freakish god-given talent.  There are many things that you simply can’t learn without some kind of underlying talent.  Playing piano by ear, pulling off ‘Dancing like the stars’ style moves, singing (and no, your booze-fuelled karaoke efforts do not constitute singing…there are still Tokyo residents with bleeding ears from your last efforts), being a fearless black run skier.  I can personally vouch for all of these.

If the ex factor does start to crawl round in your brain, hold back from trying to transform yourself and just mentally endow her with a mythical set of very unfortunate personality traits.  Choose from any one or combination of these.

  • Dubious personal grooming  – like Julia Roberts in her underarm hair era
  • Nails on a blackboard voice – eg Fran from The Nanny or Ross’ girlfriend Janice from Friends.
  •  The intelligence of Miss South Carolina 2007 who responded as follows to the question about why many Americans can’t locate the US on a map….pageant

There’s bound to be a very good reason why they broke up. Find it. Or invent it.