If Facebook wrote your Online Dating profile

Some days my ability to procrastinate knows no bounds and social media neatly steps in as an enabler of my worst habits of self-distraction.  My current obsession? Trying to understand the recommended advertisements that Facebook happily puts forth for me each day  The amount of times I’ve hit refresh to see new ones reeks of a poker-machine addiction in a previous life.

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That clever little chap that sits in the Zuckerberg backroom crunching out little offerings for me has FINALLY got the message that I am not going to take up the offer to learn Biblical Hebrew and has started to proffer selections that are getting uncannily closer to my actual personality.

As is becoming the trend when I stare overwhelmed at my work email at the start of every day, a new and fabulous time-saving opportunity popped into my head.

WHAT IF FACEBOOK COULD AUTOMATICALLY POPULATE AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE?

Writing an online dating profile is, by definition, done at a time when you are feeling rock-bottom single and unable to describe your personality strengths in any kind of positive fashion.  This simple task is all that stands in the way of you standing out like a beacon to all the single desirables that are poised online to sweep you off your feet

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….because naturally they are out there on the interwebs as they ARE NOT ANYWHERE ROUND HERE ARE THEY?

Shrill.  But moving right along….

As Facebook has started to grasp a lot about our personality and habits, why not save the couch and chardonnay time spent staring blankly at the profile screen and let FB take over for you?

Here’s what FB would write for me based on its latest recommended ads :

 Online dating topic: Drinking habits

Facebook recommendation: Belevedere Red Vodka

Interpretation: 40s chick is a social drinker –  white spirits and never anything that has Johnny, Jack or Jim in its name.

Nailed it.

Online dating profile topic: Body Shape

Facebook recommendation: One piece swimsuits on sale

 Interpretation: 40s chick is long past the age where she can pull off a bikini and is in fact one almond-croissant away from Kardashian.

Yes.  Just add sarong.

Online dating profile topic: Hobbies

Facebook recommendation: Leatherette dancing shoes

Interpretation:  Latin and ballroom dancing

No,  Facebook, No.   One hundred times, NO.  For one thing, my obsession with Street Latin dancing was sooo last year.  In fact it was about as long lived as my dalliance with triathlons (it only took me two to realise that I sucked at swimming and didn’t like cycling which narrowed down the triathlon to a light Sunday jog)    In the case of Latin dancing it was doomed at the point where my instructor asked ‘and which foot goes there?’ to which I replied ‘the middle one’.  Instructor fled and refunded pre-paid lessons.

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Secondly, unless I am struck down by an screaming case of veganism that is so blindingly strict as to even extend itself to footwear, my feet will never experience fake-leather.  Leatherette even SOUNDS tacky.  Start down that path and you are one unnatural-fabric-clad tiptoe away from slipping into a pair of Crocs.

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Just, No.

Online dating profile topic: Music interests

Facebook recommendation: Promo from National Country Music Awards

Interpretation:  Country and Western

 Facebook has hacked my ITunes to try to out me.  There MAY BE a LITTLE Johnny Cash in there but doesn’t everyone have a bit of that after the movie ‘Walk the Line?’  Don’t we all have a little hankering for the last time Joaquin Phoenix seemed a bit normal?

What about the 700 titles in there from Robbie Williams?  Bit off track.

Online dating profile topic: Children

Facebook recommendation: Become a Foster Carer

Interpretation:  Don’t want any but yours are OK.

 FB must have detected the distinct lack of kiddie pics, and dearth of statuses describing tremendously overachieving miniature humans, but decided that there’s still a chance that I could raise someone else’s offspring.  FB – that’s about as optimistic as the current Aussie team thinking they can win back the Ashes.

Better yet, FB has even suggested a couple of over 40s online dating websites for me to try.  Happy days!  It has even cut out the need to hit the search key by popping up a photos of potential suitors.

Never mind that the FB gods have offered up

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Someone whose own photos are presumably so heinous that he’s swapped them out for outback murderer Bradley Murdoch
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A nerd that didn’t make to Beauty and the Geek as even the most skilful makeover would have been for nought.

Facebook – you keep trying, and I’ll keep hitting the refresh key till we hit the jackpot.

If you are taking your online dating a little more seriously than this blog, check out this website for fabulously simple online dating advice.

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5 thoughts on “If Facebook wrote your Online Dating profile

  1. This is hilarious.Yes to Johnny Cash, no to learning Biblical Hebrew (that made me laugh and laugh). My FB ads are currently offering me a tax rebate if I wear a uniform at work (I don’t), and providing me information on local old people homes. I don’t understand why it thinks I would be interested in either.
    But hey, one day it might just say ‘BECKY – MEGA RICH INCREDIBLY HANDSOME DUDE WITH SMASHING PERSONALITY AND PENCHANT FOR MARMITE WANTS TO MARRY YOU’ and then we’ll be laughing.

  2. Thanks for reading 🙂 In my experience the mega-rich-handsome-Marmite chap might appear – but the button to click him will be invisible. Have a great day lovely Becky!

  3. Pingback: Private: Restarting my online dating hoopla! | School Corridor

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